The Bittersweet

Many of you that follow this blog know that as we were anticipating our son Noah's arrival, my younger sister was expecting her first baby as well, a little boy named Elijah. After Noah was born and shortly there after went to be with His heavenly father, and the rest of his siblings, his precious cousin was still on his way. I would be lying if I said this was not hard for me, for us. We celebrated the anticipation of one life, knowing we had just lost another. There were days I fought very hard against my anger, not so much towards my sister, (it wasn't her fault), but at the injustice of it all. Why would God knit two little girls from the same womb, and bless one with the ability to bear and carry beautiful babies, and the other to bear so much grief and pain instead. Sometimes it feels like "Jacob have I loved, Esau have I hated." I don't believe this to be true, but it's difficult to battle the feeling none the less.
Well, the months went on, and last week the time came for my nephew to be born. I can honestly say I have never been more conflicted in my entire 31 years of life. As I watched my sister labor with her son, as I stood there and held her hand and stroked her hair, and later heard in the hall the happy sounds of her estatic husband, and healthy screaming son, a part of my heart was absolutely breaking. She was experiencing something I never had, and never will. I missed my little boy...I missed all my babies at that moment. But there was another part of me that was so happy. I was happy that my family had finally experienced some joy in the delivery room, that there was finally a baby that was going home. And I was happy because I was relieved. I was relieved my little sister didn't have to feel pain the way I've known. I have always been her protecter, (whether she wanted it or not), from the kids knocking down her castles in the sandbox, to the crazy boyfriends that needed straightening out. I did everything I could to keep her from harm or pain, (unless of course she was annoying me and she deserved it...but I digress). No one who's lost a child like we have wants to see anyone else lose one, especially not their beloved little sister. So even though it brought back sad memories for me, and was hard for me to see my sister have what I can't; I really wanted her to have it...more than anything. It was truly a bittersweet moment for me, and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I may still grieve my loss but I celebrate and welcome my gain as well; my sweet little nephew Elijah who I love very much already, (and will of course be his favorite Aunt because after all who's kidding who here)? And to my amazing sister Alissa, who if she's not already reading this blog will be as I'm sure mom will see it and make her; I'm so ridiculously proud of you and am honored to be your big sister. I know all this was hard for you too, and I just want to assure you, big sister is still here, and always will be. You're going to be a spectacular mother and I look forward to watching you in this next stage of life; I promise one way or another I'll join you too. :)
I love you sis, even in the bittersweet. In fact, especially so.