Beautiful Mess

We’re at 26 weeks now and our little Noah is doing excellent. I am overjoyed that we are in a place of getting ready for him, as opposed to wondering if he’ll really get here. I stare at the furniture we just bought for the nursery with wonder, and smile that soon it will be occupied with my little boy. It’s hard to believe in 14 weeks or less we will finally be welcoming a child into our home. What a long awaited day.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this journey we’ve been on, and especially our current situation with surrogacy. For those that have been following this blog lately you know I’ve been really struggling with being at peace with my situation; finding space to feel some of my pain and frustration, and yet be thankful for all that I have and look forward to. How do I celebrate the process without dismissing my emotions that go along with it? Truthfully, I never anticipated how hard it would be to see someone else carry my child. I assumed I’d only feel joy and relief because it meant I could still bring a child into this world, albeit in a little different way. But as our surrogate entered into the phase of the pregnancy which I never reached, the painful reality crept in, “you can’t do this.” It started to nag me, overwhelm me; and I found myself grieving more for an experience, than I remembered why we had decided to take this path in the first place. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me…a beautiful mess.
There is an awful lot of pain in people lives right now other than my own. One in particular breaks my heart every time I think about it. And yet she finds joy in my life? She has celebrated with me every step of the way, and here I am unable to do so myself. Granted, my reason for grief is justified; but if my life is bringing someone else who is experiencing great pain, joy, shouldn’t I too be able to enter into that with her? Not to mention all the others who I know are praying daily and anxiously anticipating Noah’s arrival. It’s like what our pastor was talking about on Sunday, we’re a part of The Kingdom here, and it grows and blossoms best in our mess. It may be a bit heretical, but I realized my situation was like “compost” for the kingdom, and I should embrace it.
I know I’m still allowed to be sad, but I also know intermixed with my sadness is real joy. There is an abundance of love and grace surrounding a little boy who’s on his way. I may experience grief from time to time throughout this process, but that just makes me real. My “mess” gives me credibility, so my story can bring hope.

Three Wishes

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you could wish some of less desirable parts away? In honor of St. Patrick’s Day I was wondering what I would wish for if I came across a leprechaun and he really could grant me 3 wishes. Silly to think about I know, but life’s too short to not entertain a little silliness now and again. So as I was pondering my silly thought of 3 magical wishes, my first two came to me quite quickly. First I’d wish that Bean, Brennan, and Evangeline were alive and home with us. Second I’d wish that I could be healed and have a normal pregnancy with all the experiences I never could; like the ability to walk around Disneyland, the mall and anywhere else I wanted to go like I see all these other pregnant women doing. Funny thing was, when it came to trying to think up my third wish, I couldn’t come up with one. I mean there’s plenty to wish for…wealth, power, success, happiness. But as I thought about it, I realized a lot of what one would wish for really depends on you anyhow. You could make accumulating wealth and success a priority if that’s what’s important to you, you can also make decisions and choices in your life that contribute to your happiness if that’s important to you. The two wishes I want are the ones I feel like I don’t have any choice or control over. It was profound revelation for me.

In general I’m a pretty content person it seems. Most of what’s important to me, I have; and what isn’t I’m not terribly concerned about. However, when reflecting on it, I realize the one area of my life which is my main source of discontentment is the part that has nothing to do with my priorities or choices. It’s the part I can’t change.

It occurs to me then, if I can learn to be content in spite of the parts of my life that cause me frustration, grief or pain, I would be a very happy and satisfied person. But how does one truly become content with their entire life…the good and the bad? I know how to be content with all the blessings I have, and even the small trials and self inflicted difficulties, but how do you find contentment amidst pain and hurt? I know I’m not a broken soul, that God has created me this way and He doesn’t make mistakes; but I still struggle with wanting an experience I can’t seem to have. I still remember the pain that comes with loss. I know I’ve said before that I’ve tried to accept the good that is coming out of this experience we’re having with surrogacy & Noah, that I’m happy to be used in way that embodies grace and redemption amidst tragedy. I acknowledge this is all true and wonderful, but It doesn’t change the fact that I still watch a pregnant woman walking down the street and I think to myself “that will never be me.” So even as I come to a place of acceptance, how to I reach the next plateau of contentment? I don’t really know...but I think if I got there I’d be at peace.

The Two Sides of Me

I’ve been feeling a bit split in my personality these days. One part if me is really happy and excited that the pregnancy is progressing so well. Noah is growing steadily, and at 24 weeks now we even have our official court order that declares him completely ours. I’m thrilled he’s healthy and strong and well on his way, but another part of me keeps getting this ache in my heart for an experience in which I can only be spectator in.
I feel torn. I’m grateful for everything I’ve been given and all I have to look forward to; but I feel pain for what I am reminded I can’t have. I wish it wasn’t so, I wish it didn’t matter so much to me; but as I watch another woman swell with my growing son, there is a sadness mingled with my joy. Often times the joy wins over my soul, but occasionally the bittersweet reality settles in; usually when I least expect it and when I’m least prepared. Watching Brian’s smile spread wide across his face as he feels Noah for the first time, the first time he has ever been able to feel any of our children. The pure happiness he felt at that moment I couldn’t give him, but oh how I wished I could.
I know I’m still Noah’s mommy. I certainly did my part. Sometimes it’s just hard to feel like it, sometimes I just feel like the extra woman in the doctor’s office.

Brennan

Brennan, my sweet boy. Two years ago today you slipped into our lives and out again to be with your heavenly father. Even though our time with you was far too brief, we love you as much now as we did the day we learned of your existence.

Until we meet again little one...

Happy Birthday.

Love

Wednesdays have become our sacred nights as a couple. We wanted to be sure amidst everything we’re committed to, we had one night a week that was just for each other and being together. I look forward to this night each week.
Tonight is no exception. We’re going to hit Stubricks for their 8 dollar steak special (occurs every Wednesday for the next 3 months…check it out folks), and then off to Babies R Us. Yes, that’s right; we are beginning to shop for Noah.
Although it was not without some trepidation, I happily bought my first thing for Noah this weekend; a cute little Halloween onezie with a pumpkin on the butt that was on clearance for $4. This may not seem like a huge step to some of you…but it was a big deal for me. After having a closet (and garage) full of unused baby items from our previous pregnancies I wanted nothing to do with baby stuff this time around until I was ready. The thought of storing more clothes, rattles, stuffed animals etc, that go unused was more than I could deal with. So we told our friends and family not to give us any and we didn’t buy a single thing ourselves either. As we passed the halfway mark though, fear and worry like I’ve mentioned in some of my previous posts must give way to necessity. If we don’t start preparing for Noah soon, we could very well get rushed and not be as thorough as we were in the past and have every intention of being again. Looking at Consumer Reports, pricing things out, deciding what we need versus what we want; this takes time, energy and planning. We did this joyfully with our first and second pregnancies, as well as our 3rd, albeit mostly from my perch on the couch. Noah deserves this excited planning and loving attention to detail the same as our other babies did. I want him to know that we prayed for him every day, eagerly anticipated his arrival, and carefully planned for his life with us. His come to being is so special and unique; I want him to know that, to feel that.
That’s why I can’t let my worry and fear keep me from giving to him what I so feely gave to my children before him; a love story. Just like his older siblings, he is already incredibly loved. Sadly that’s why it makes it this whole process so scary sometimes. Loving him means pain if we lose him. It’s a vulnerability that has cost me before, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take again. Noah deserves this of me, and I owe it to myself as well. It’s hard and frightening sometimes; but an open heart is far more useful to us all than a guarded one.