Thankful

Now that Thanksgiving is over (I have a strict policy on giving every holiday it’s due), I have been indulging in non-stop Christmas music. As I was listening to Josh Groban’s “Thankful,” the lyrics struck me in whole new way today. I’ve listened to this song multiple times a year, but today as I was processing a past holiday with family (new and old) and looking towards upcoming festivities as well, the words take on new meaning to me. We do pray for what we know will one day be our family, and we choose to hope for it every day; even though sometimes it feels so far away. In the mean time though I remember we have each other, loving friends and family, and so much more. There is still hope and joy to have.

So, even though things may not be what we thought they’d be this holiday season, there’s still so much to be thankful for.

"Thankful"

Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for

The Faith Formula

I've been going through a book by Joni Eareckson Tada "A Lifetime of Wisdom, Embracing the way God Heals You" and I have to say out of all the books people have given me over the past few years this one has spoken into my life and helped me the most. It's as if God is is talking directly to me through the pages. This morning was no exception.

I've been really struggling with feelings of frustration, of helplessness and jealously lately. It seems almost everyone around me receives the blessings (in tenfold) that I keep praying for but keep being taken from me. We've been learning about Abraham in church the past couple weeks and I was really connecting with the fact that God made him promises that he had to wait a long time for (and also some he never even saw realized in his lifetime). I'm not comparing my life to Abraham's obviously, (they're incomparable) but I did find it comforting and eye opening that faith & trust when you're suffering and wondering if God will ever redeem the situation is difficult; difficult but attainable.

So as I was reflecting on some of these thoughts this morning I cracked open my Joni book and read these words...
"Why does God allow some of His deeply loved sons and daughters to go through trials of the body and spirit? Because if they receive that suffering with faith and joy, that supernatural "chemical reaction" will supercharge the message of His's sons love. And the suffering one will have the privilege of a life impact that may keep echoing and echoing beyond their years...The power of the Good News is released in your life when you allow your weakness to showcase the awesome might and love of our Savior. When we serve Him and model Him in our suffering, we have opportunities to extend His salvation father than we ever could in our strength."

This is a great encouragement to me in a time where I have been really struggling with feeling sorry for myself and being angry at my present situation. I needed this reminder that if I continue to open myself up and pursue faith and trust with joy I can have a far greater impact for the kingdom. I've been given an opportunity, (not that it always feels like that, but I have none the less), and I can chose to be bitter and reject it, or I can choose to embrace it and let God show me what He can do with it. Something, (or someone...thank you Joni), tells me the latter of the two is the better and more rewarding option.

Perspective

Keeping perspective; sometimes it’s so much easier said than done don’t you think? Here we are an official waiting family now. It’s what we’ve been working towards since we decided to pursue adoption back in late spring after we lost our little Noah. You would think I’d be excited, full of anticipation, but alas it’s only been two weeks since we received word we were officially certified and already the wait is getting to me. Of course I have 3 close friends with babies due to arrive soon and an adorable nephew that reminds me all the time what joy a child can bring to your life, so naturally it doesn’t help me much in maintaining perspective in my own life. We were warned it’s hard to be a “waiting family.” Never knowing when you could get a call, and when you do wondering if the birthparent will change their mind. It’s such a vulnerable place. All our hopes and dreams of being parents now lie in the hands of the choices of another. It’s kind of crazy when you think about it. And yet here we are, putting ourselves out there again, pursuing parenthood with hope and determination that this time it will work… it has to right!?!
I keep praying for God to bring us a child swiftly and smoothly, but I know that’s not necessarily the case. Nothing about our journey has been swift or smooth so why would I think it would start now? Never the less, I persevere and ask for specifics because I know God says we can, and should. After all He knows what’s really in our hearts anyway…might as well just tell Him. So I do.
I tell Him I’m scared. I tell Him I still don’t totally understand what He’s doing with our lives, why He let ALL our children die, but that I’ll continue to cooperate with Him because I choose to trust Him. I tell Him I really want a baby by Christmas, even though I know He may not bring me one then. I tell Him some days my heart just hurts, and I wonder if that will always be the case. I know everyone has their own loss to grieve, but often mine feels so weighty, I wonder if there are many that understand this kind of sorrow. I’m sure there are, I just haven’t met many.
I tell God all these things…often. Sometimes I have to stop whatever it is I’m doing because if I don’t get it out somehow, I feel like it might suffocate me. It’s hard to keep going at times like that, but somehow perspective still comes. I know all is not lost; His mercies are new every morning. I know any day could be the day we get a call to say there’s a baby for us; and that someday that void in our lives will finally be filled. No it won’t bring my children back, and yes I will probably still have those days when my heart hurts; but I’ll have even better perspective.