Perspective

Keeping perspective; sometimes it’s so much easier said than done don’t you think? Here we are an official waiting family now. It’s what we’ve been working towards since we decided to pursue adoption back in late spring after we lost our little Noah. You would think I’d be excited, full of anticipation, but alas it’s only been two weeks since we received word we were officially certified and already the wait is getting to me. Of course I have 3 close friends with babies due to arrive soon and an adorable nephew that reminds me all the time what joy a child can bring to your life, so naturally it doesn’t help me much in maintaining perspective in my own life. We were warned it’s hard to be a “waiting family.” Never knowing when you could get a call, and when you do wondering if the birthparent will change their mind. It’s such a vulnerable place. All our hopes and dreams of being parents now lie in the hands of the choices of another. It’s kind of crazy when you think about it. And yet here we are, putting ourselves out there again, pursuing parenthood with hope and determination that this time it will work… it has to right!?!
I keep praying for God to bring us a child swiftly and smoothly, but I know that’s not necessarily the case. Nothing about our journey has been swift or smooth so why would I think it would start now? Never the less, I persevere and ask for specifics because I know God says we can, and should. After all He knows what’s really in our hearts anyway…might as well just tell Him. So I do.
I tell Him I’m scared. I tell Him I still don’t totally understand what He’s doing with our lives, why He let ALL our children die, but that I’ll continue to cooperate with Him because I choose to trust Him. I tell Him I really want a baby by Christmas, even though I know He may not bring me one then. I tell Him some days my heart just hurts, and I wonder if that will always be the case. I know everyone has their own loss to grieve, but often mine feels so weighty, I wonder if there are many that understand this kind of sorrow. I’m sure there are, I just haven’t met many.
I tell God all these things…often. Sometimes I have to stop whatever it is I’m doing because if I don’t get it out somehow, I feel like it might suffocate me. It’s hard to keep going at times like that, but somehow perspective still comes. I know all is not lost; His mercies are new every morning. I know any day could be the day we get a call to say there’s a baby for us; and that someday that void in our lives will finally be filled. No it won’t bring my children back, and yes I will probably still have those days when my heart hurts; but I’ll have even better perspective.