A Different Kind of Special

I am continuously reminded of how much people are invested in our journey. Just today a woman at work was asking me how things were going, how she was so excited for us, and was praying for us. Earlier in the week I discovered a woman's bible study has been praying for us this whole time, the only connection I have with them being a mutual friend. I have received countless "checking in" emails and phone calls, as have our family as well. It frequently astounds me when I think of the sheer number of people who are aware of and are following our story. People I've never even met are praying for us on a daily basis. Frankly I wonder if our little Noah isn't one of the most anxiously anticipated births of 2010.
I suppose that's why whenever I think of this path Brian and I are walking, so different than most, I start to realize that God had/has something more for us. I have been known to say "I always wanted to be special and unique in some way, but this was not what I had in mind." It is however what God had in mind. I don't believe I was made this way by accident. I have struggled with feeling broken, or forgotten by God because he made such an important and privileged part of being a woman just not work in me. And yet, I know I'm not broken and I'm not forgotten; quite the contrary in fact.
God knew what he was doing when he made me this way. He knew I would eventually find a way to let go of the hurt and anger and let Him use me. Well us really, (Brian's on this journey too). God knew the lives our experience would touch. He also knows what lies ahead, and it appears He has every one's attention.
It has taken me a long time to say this sincerely, but I'm actually glad to be this kind of special. It's not easy, but it's His kind of special and that's more than enough for me.

Our little man

Yes friends, that's right. This week Brian and I found out we're having a boy! Little Noah Timothy White. I wish I could describe for you absolute joy on Brian's face when we heard the news, but there are no words that do it justice. Naturally we are thrilled beyond measure and have been told that he's a very healthy little boy so far.

It's hard to believe that here we are at 17 weeks already, and now know we are expecting a boy. The 1st trimester felt like it just dragged on and on, but now as we've entered the 2nd it feels like time is moving so much quicker now.

As we went to visit our friends tonight who just had a beautiful girl a little over a week ago, I stared into her tiny sleepy face and felt that bittersweet pang I often experience when I hold a newborn baby. And then I remembered, soon the little baby in my arms would be mine. Soon enough the little face that looks back at me is going to be a reflection of Brian and I; a product of so much prayer and love. Sometimes it's hard to believe it's really going happen after so much pain and disappointment, but as we were reminded in church today; faith is 100% commitment even if you don't have 100% certainty. Life may still be uncertain for us, but I have faith we will make it though. In a little while it will be our son Noah smiling, (or more likely crying) back at us, and I will be eternally grateful.

16 weeks and all is well

Well so far so good friends, our little Squishy is growing steadily. We received a text from our surrogate last night reporting she felt a kick for the first time. Naturally we were thrilled! :) I must admit it felt a little weird to be told my baby was kicking but I wasn't experiencing it myself; however I felt a surge of excitement at the same time to be reminded my little baby was thriving.

I think I'm starting to get used to experiencing my baby's progress through another woman. It's been really hard at times and I imagine it still will be; but I find as we progress it's mattering to me less that I had to give up carrying our baby, and mattering far more that we have one that's thriving and safe. In fact, I actually I find myself feeling braver in thinking about what it would be like to actually have a baby at the end of this journey. Before, when we first started this whole process, I would barely let myself emotionally invest in the next week let alone the end of 9 months. Now most of the time when I think about our baby, I find myself smiling instead of biting my lip and worrying about what could go wrong.

We still have a long way to go. 20 weeks is still a month away and we've been there before... However, as my little baby keeps growing and stirring, so does my hope and mother's heart. So kick on little one, kick on! Mom is waiting for you on the other side. :)

Brian and I just finished watching Julie & Julia this evening. Really a delightful movie which I loved and am now going to have to purchase so I can watch it over and over again.

I have to say however, not only was the movie just fun to watch, but it was really inspiring, and touching as well. I must admit before this I didn't know that much about Julia Child except for the fact that she was an amazing cook who had her own program, and our choir teacher used to tell us to open our mouths more on our vowels "like Juuuuuuliaaaa Chiiiiiild." So, as I watched this movie I was quite intrigued by her. Naturally, I was drawn to the parts in the movie when it eluded to the fact that she didn't, and probably couldn't have children. As I watched the scene where she opens the letter to discover her sister is pregnant and she struggles to keep her composure and be happy for her, my heart was right there with her. I think I even said aloud, I know how you feel. I understand what it feels like to see a pregnant woman, or a mother and child and feel that twinge that you try to shake off and keep going. I think any woman who's ever been in similar circumstances does.

What I found inspiring about this movie and the portrayal of Julia though, was the fact that she just kept moving forward. Especially in the face of great pain. She had her cry, but she didn't let it beat her. It was moving to watch her show such strength as she continued to be positive. "I'm so happy for her," she says through her tears. To which her clearly devoted husband kisses her forehead and says "I know you are." You'd have to see it to understand how touching it is. If you have lived it, understandably it's even more poignant.

Often it feels like I'm in an uphill battle with how I reconcile everything that has happened and unfolded in the past couple of years. Yet as I watched this movie I thought, here is a woman who did not have the opportunities and options that I have, and she was still smiling, sometimes through tears perhaps, but smiling none the less. I'm not sure if that was one of the key points this movie was trying to make, but it certainly struck me.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. I have an amazing and supportive community of family and friends; one so much so, she's carrying our baby for us. I have a loving and devoted husband who has not only stood by me through everything, but has comforted, encouraged, and held me together on the days when I just fell apart. And I have a heavenly Father, who despite how it may feel sometimes, loves me and has not forgotten me.

Remembering all this makes me smile again and gives me strength. Apparently I am in good company too. Julia Child, who knew? It just goes to show you, you never know who's standing alongside you. So thank you Julia Child, for reminding me that life's unexpected trails don't have to beat us; they in fact can be blessings too.