I was feeling stressed and anxious about our home inspection today and so I was spending some much needed time praying and journaling. A sweet friend had given me a journal with inspirational quotes and scripture as part of the design, and so as I was writing about how I feel and trust that God is about to do something amazing with us I glanced down and saw the following scripture:
"Daughter you took a risk in trusting Me, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed!" Luke 8:48 The Message
It is a moment I want to remember now, when whatever life befalls next might cause my faith to falter. I believe God will and does bless those who remain faithful, who choose to trust through difficult and trying times. Its certainly not easy...it is a risk, but that's why I think God will honor it, because in spite of everything we trusted anyway.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Expectancy…not Expectations
So much has happened since last I posted to my blog. It seems like August just flew by, but we are happily making our way through the final stages of our adoption certification process. Ironically paperwork is not that overwhelming when you’ve just been through what we have. In fact, it often felt good to check one more thing off the list and take another step forward. Not to mention when you have an empty nursery you’re tired of seeing as such, it can be very motivating.
So as we’re rounding the bases of our Home Study, (that baseball metaphor is in honor of my husband) it’s brought to light so many thoughts & feelings in me. One of which is, for the first time I am NOT afraid. I should be freaked out; my status of motherhood now resides pretty much completely in the hands of a total stranger. I will be waiting for a woman or even a young girl perhaps to choose ME to raise her child as my own. Other than saying yes or no I don’t really have any control over this situation. For someone who desires order and consistency in a rhythms and patterns I dictate, this process of adoption should cause me to go crazy, (and perhaps it still will at some point)…but for right now I am uncharacteristically calm. It’s almost eerie. I am excited, content and truly at peace.
Of course it’s all a miracle performed by my Maker, I’d never be able to do this of my own volition and I’m not medicated or anything. I just think for the first time in a long while I can hear Him whispering to me, “Be at peace, they’re coming. The children are coming.” And so I trust the day will come. I’ve no idea how or when, but it will come, and we will welcome a baby home. I know He can do wondrous things, and I believe this isn’t the end of our journey, so I’m open…in a way I don’t think I’ve ever been before. I’m expectant, instead of harboring expectations.
It’s a better place to be really, as my parent’s pastor illuminated this past weekend. Expectancy allows for wonder, it opens the doors for God to surprise and bless in a way only He can imagine, instead of holding expectations for how we think or want Him to show up. I’ve seen and lived through God showing up in miraculous ways, and although the results were not what I wanted, or what I expected, He showed up all the same. I think it’s because of this that I understand the distinction. Amidst so much uncertainty, if I open up wide enough, the pain and grief mingle with trust and hope and I can rest and wait, with expectancy…not expectations.
So as we’re rounding the bases of our Home Study, (that baseball metaphor is in honor of my husband) it’s brought to light so many thoughts & feelings in me. One of which is, for the first time I am NOT afraid. I should be freaked out; my status of motherhood now resides pretty much completely in the hands of a total stranger. I will be waiting for a woman or even a young girl perhaps to choose ME to raise her child as my own. Other than saying yes or no I don’t really have any control over this situation. For someone who desires order and consistency in a rhythms and patterns I dictate, this process of adoption should cause me to go crazy, (and perhaps it still will at some point)…but for right now I am uncharacteristically calm. It’s almost eerie. I am excited, content and truly at peace.
Of course it’s all a miracle performed by my Maker, I’d never be able to do this of my own volition and I’m not medicated or anything. I just think for the first time in a long while I can hear Him whispering to me, “Be at peace, they’re coming. The children are coming.” And so I trust the day will come. I’ve no idea how or when, but it will come, and we will welcome a baby home. I know He can do wondrous things, and I believe this isn’t the end of our journey, so I’m open…in a way I don’t think I’ve ever been before. I’m expectant, instead of harboring expectations.
It’s a better place to be really, as my parent’s pastor illuminated this past weekend. Expectancy allows for wonder, it opens the doors for God to surprise and bless in a way only He can imagine, instead of holding expectations for how we think or want Him to show up. I’ve seen and lived through God showing up in miraculous ways, and although the results were not what I wanted, or what I expected, He showed up all the same. I think it’s because of this that I understand the distinction. Amidst so much uncertainty, if I open up wide enough, the pain and grief mingle with trust and hope and I can rest and wait, with expectancy…not expectations.
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