Ridiculous Faith

It's been years since I've posted here, but for some reason I'm drawn to this old blog to share. It's funny sometimes you just feel compelled to speak, even if no one is listening, (or reading as the case may be). My sweet Emmaline turns 3 tomorrow, and as any parent would I just can't help but think about her arrival, and all that came before it. I just keep thinking how anxious I was 3 years ago at this time. Not because I was about to become a parent and my life was about to change, I just kept thinking please God we've come this far...let it all be ok, let her be alive, let her be healthy, let us take her home. It's crazy what experience can rob you of yet resilience will not let you give up on. I wanted a baby, I wanted to be a mom, but throughout my pregnancy with her I was so worried, afraid, borderline neurotic even. But through it all I have a lively, energetic 3 year old now to show for it, and she is WORTH it! She makes me crazy sometimes, but she also makes me laugh so hard I think I'm gonna pee my pants and the thought of her still can make me cry tears of joy. God I am so grateful for ridiculous faith. In all honesty Brian and I still think we were crazy to get pregnant and try again after everything had happened. Really it is a bit insane when you think about it, although we did calculate carefully getting pregnant and having Emmie was truly an act of ridiculous faith. Throughout the process I was terrified but I did it, I did my best to embrace it, because I believed with all my heart God was in it. There was no other explanation for what was happening. After so much loss there came life, and oh the joy when she did arrive. I know all parents think the angels in heaven rejoice when their little one is born, but I tell you after everything I'm convinced their joy was unconfined. We tried to explain to Emmie tonight about the significance of her birth but at 3 she of course has no idea, other than there were a lot of people there they day she was born, and in her words "a lot of people wanted to hold me." I wonder if she'll ever really understand. For her sake I almost hope she doesn't. What I do hope she understands someday though, is that God is a big God, and we don't always understand what He is doing. Sometimes it's going to feel like He doesn't care or He's forgotten you; but He does care, and He doesn't forget. Miracles don't often happen they way we'd like, but they do happen. Her very life, and her brothers are proof of that. But I hope she also understands there is strength in ridiculous faith. God will give you the strength you need to perservere, but it's faith, however ridiculous or absurd it may feel, that can lead you to your miracle. After all, without faith what is a miracle anyway? Happy Birthday my sweet Emmaline