What to do with Worry

With each passing week now I am finding I get more and more excited but more and more nervous at the same time. Its puzzling to me that the closer we get to Noah being born, and we start taking active steps to prepare for his arrival I find my anxious heart kicks in and starts to fret. Am I getting too attached because something can still go wrong? Something always seems to go wrong…right? Brian tries to reassure me and say I feel this way because our only experience is that something inevitably does go wrong, but this time I needn’t fret so much. I know this is true, but sometimes I have a hard time convincing myself of this. Since we are farther along than we have ever been before, I have begun to feel more excited about the prospect of motherhood. I’ve started flipping through the parenting books, narrowing down possibilities for nursery themes, and even letting myself imagine what it will be like to have Noah in our home, as part of our family. The dilemma is it seems whenever I start in with one of these activities that unsettling feeling bubbles up inside me. I tell myself I need to stop worrying so much, but I can’t ignore that nagging feeling that tugs at me. I suppose in some ways I’m just like every other pregnant woman in that respect. Although while other woman are probably worrying more about, will I be a good mom, how do I care for this new child, the huge responsibility, the expense…I’m just worrying about if he’ll make it out alive. Morbid I know, but sadly it’s been my unfortunate reality thus far. I want to be able to enjoy this journey, I don’t want to ruin this incredible experience for myself, (or us) with my constant fretting. I cherish the happy moments we’ve had thus far, and continue to have as we get ready for Noah’s arrival. I just wish I had more peace in the process. I suppose it’s like my mother always says though “A mother never stops worrying about her kids, no matter how old they are.”
Maybe I’m just starting a little early.

What a Difference a Week Makes

As many of you know last week was incredibly hard for Brian and me. Well mostly me, but residually Brian too. Losing both our son and daughter at the 20 weeks has pretty much turned that week in pregnancy into a point of trauma for us. Therefore I cannot even begin to express the sheer joy I feel in FINALLY surpassing that week. Noah is doing wonderfully and growing steadily at 21 weeks now and we couldn’t be happier. Although we know there still may be hurdles to overcome, the one that has eluded us for years is no more.
This affirms to me in a very tangible way…things really are different this time. I am NOT destined to always be the woman who’s pregnant but never has a child to care for in the end. With each passing week now I know I’m one step closer to meeting my little boy. I can’t wait to hear him cry, or have him wiggle in my arms; all those things I never could experience with my children before.
It has been hard for me to let go at times, but I know we are giving Noah the best chance possible by going about things…differently.
It really has made all the difference.

Oh the Angst of it All

Oh how I loathe this point in pregnancy. Here we are at the half way mark and I am terrified. I should be excited; we're half way to meeting our little Noah. Instead I can't get past this ache in my chest, this nervousness that seems to well up without warning. It may seem irrational, (although my counselor says it's completely understandable), but at 20 weeks now, it’s like someone drew a curtain on my life and the future just seems to loom in the distance like a big black hole. I know things are different. The doctor says things look great. I know there's no real reason to fear; and yet here I am…struggling to get past this wretched week that has tormented and abruptly ended my last two pregnancies. I knew this week would come again. I’ve dreaded it since we hit the 2nd trimester…and now here we are.
Strange how memories can bring such joy at times but also such heartbreak. I know once we get to week 21 I’ll feel a great sense of relief and mostly deeper healing from the past too. To get there though I have to make it through the 20th week, and that’s the hard part. I can’t forget the pain I felt when the doctors told me Brennan was going to have to come 20 weeks to soon, and the complete anguish when less than a year later, despite our best efforts, his little sister Evie would too. When those memories come back to me it’s hard to see anything else in that moment. Greif sometimes feels like it’s swallowing you whole.
And yet it doesn’t.
There is a line in one of my all time favorite movies that says “Regrets are a waste of time. They are the past, crippling you in the present.” Although it’s not regret I feel, I fear my focus on what has happened in the past during this week of pregnancy is crippling me of believing and trusting that this time it really will be okay. When you’ve known nothing else, it’s difficult to fathom what it’s like on the other side.
So what’s my solution then to this conundrum? Well, other than willingly putting myself into a coma for a week, I’m afraid I’m just going to have to wait this one out. That and apologize to everyone in advance for the potential, (and let’s face it, probably inevitable) emotional basket case that I will be for the next week.
The good news is, once we do hit 21 weeks, I trust the elation I will feel in finally reaching what has always eluded us will thwart the past from crippling me any longer.

Batten Down the Hatches

Well we're at 19 weeks and counting. My anxiety is rising more than I'd like. We lost both Brennan and Evie at 20 weeks and so although I know things are different this time, the fear is present and real the nearer we get. I am really trusting God is going to carry us through this time and our baby Noah is going to be home with is soon enough; but sometimes its hard to keep the past from haunting my present. Part of me wants to run away this next Wednesday and not come back till the following one. The thought of loss again overwhelms me, and then again each time we suffered a loss I said I'll never make it through this one...and yet I did. So I'm not going to run away. I'm going to face these next couple of weeks head on because I know He never gives us more than we can handle; and I have learned with His help, I can handle way more than I ever thought possible.
I could use your prayers though friends. Being brave helps you face the battle, but being well equipped helps you win the war.