With each passing week now I am finding I get more and more excited but more and more nervous at the same time. Its puzzling to me that the closer we get to Noah being born, and we start taking active steps to prepare for his arrival I find my anxious heart kicks in and starts to fret. Am I getting too attached because something can still go wrong? Something always seems to go wrong…right? Brian tries to reassure me and say I feel this way because our only experience is that something inevitably does go wrong, but this time I needn’t fret so much. I know this is true, but sometimes I have a hard time convincing myself of this. Since we are farther along than we have ever been before, I have begun to feel more excited about the prospect of motherhood. I’ve started flipping through the parenting books, narrowing down possibilities for nursery themes, and even letting myself imagine what it will be like to have Noah in our home, as part of our family. The dilemma is it seems whenever I start in with one of these activities that unsettling feeling bubbles up inside me. I tell myself I need to stop worrying so much, but I can’t ignore that nagging feeling that tugs at me. I suppose in some ways I’m just like every other pregnant woman in that respect. Although while other woman are probably worrying more about, will I be a good mom, how do I care for this new child, the huge responsibility, the expense…I’m just worrying about if he’ll make it out alive. Morbid I know, but sadly it’s been my unfortunate reality thus far. I want to be able to enjoy this journey, I don’t want to ruin this incredible experience for myself, (or us) with my constant fretting. I cherish the happy moments we’ve had thus far, and continue to have as we get ready for Noah’s arrival. I just wish I had more peace in the process. I suppose it’s like my mother always says though “A mother never stops worrying about her kids, no matter how old they are.”
Maybe I’m just starting a little early.
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The feelings of fear are definitely a normal part of the process for any pregnant woman, let alone someone who has your past experiences. I was much more fearful in the end of my pregnancy than I was in the beginning for some reason. I don't think it would help for me to tell you not to worry, because you will inevitably do that. But like you said, do try your best to enjoy the process, because it is very special! Look ahead to little Noah's arrival, because he will be here soon, healthy and beautiful!
ReplyDeleteEveryday Noah grows stronger! I can't wait to meet the little man! Amongst all your worry, don't forget to have happy thoughts! I will keep you and your growing family in my prayers.
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