Love

Wednesdays have become our sacred nights as a couple. We wanted to be sure amidst everything we’re committed to, we had one night a week that was just for each other and being together. I look forward to this night each week.
Tonight is no exception. We’re going to hit Stubricks for their 8 dollar steak special (occurs every Wednesday for the next 3 months…check it out folks), and then off to Babies R Us. Yes, that’s right; we are beginning to shop for Noah.
Although it was not without some trepidation, I happily bought my first thing for Noah this weekend; a cute little Halloween onezie with a pumpkin on the butt that was on clearance for $4. This may not seem like a huge step to some of you…but it was a big deal for me. After having a closet (and garage) full of unused baby items from our previous pregnancies I wanted nothing to do with baby stuff this time around until I was ready. The thought of storing more clothes, rattles, stuffed animals etc, that go unused was more than I could deal with. So we told our friends and family not to give us any and we didn’t buy a single thing ourselves either. As we passed the halfway mark though, fear and worry like I’ve mentioned in some of my previous posts must give way to necessity. If we don’t start preparing for Noah soon, we could very well get rushed and not be as thorough as we were in the past and have every intention of being again. Looking at Consumer Reports, pricing things out, deciding what we need versus what we want; this takes time, energy and planning. We did this joyfully with our first and second pregnancies, as well as our 3rd, albeit mostly from my perch on the couch. Noah deserves this excited planning and loving attention to detail the same as our other babies did. I want him to know that we prayed for him every day, eagerly anticipated his arrival, and carefully planned for his life with us. His come to being is so special and unique; I want him to know that, to feel that.
That’s why I can’t let my worry and fear keep me from giving to him what I so feely gave to my children before him; a love story. Just like his older siblings, he is already incredibly loved. Sadly that’s why it makes it this whole process so scary sometimes. Loving him means pain if we lose him. It’s a vulnerability that has cost me before, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take again. Noah deserves this of me, and I owe it to myself as well. It’s hard and frightening sometimes; but an open heart is far more useful to us all than a guarded one.