Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you could wish some of less desirable parts away? In honor of St. Patrick’s Day I was wondering what I would wish for if I came across a leprechaun and he really could grant me 3 wishes. Silly to think about I know, but life’s too short to not entertain a little silliness now and again. So as I was pondering my silly thought of 3 magical wishes, my first two came to me quite quickly. First I’d wish that Bean, Brennan, and Evangeline were alive and home with us. Second I’d wish that I could be healed and have a normal pregnancy with all the experiences I never could; like the ability to walk around Disneyland, the mall and anywhere else I wanted to go like I see all these other pregnant women doing. Funny thing was, when it came to trying to think up my third wish, I couldn’t come up with one. I mean there’s plenty to wish for…wealth, power, success, happiness. But as I thought about it, I realized a lot of what one would wish for really depends on you anyhow. You could make accumulating wealth and success a priority if that’s what’s important to you, you can also make decisions and choices in your life that contribute to your happiness if that’s important to you. The two wishes I want are the ones I feel like I don’t have any choice or control over. It was profound revelation for me.
In general I’m a pretty content person it seems. Most of what’s important to me, I have; and what isn’t I’m not terribly concerned about. However, when reflecting on it, I realize the one area of my life which is my main source of discontentment is the part that has nothing to do with my priorities or choices. It’s the part I can’t change.
It occurs to me then, if I can learn to be content in spite of the parts of my life that cause me frustration, grief or pain, I would be a very happy and satisfied person. But how does one truly become content with their entire life…the good and the bad? I know how to be content with all the blessings I have, and even the small trials and self inflicted difficulties, but how do you find contentment amidst pain and hurt? I know I’m not a broken soul, that God has created me this way and He doesn’t make mistakes; but I still struggle with wanting an experience I can’t seem to have. I still remember the pain that comes with loss. I know I’ve said before that I’ve tried to accept the good that is coming out of this experience we’re having with surrogacy & Noah, that I’m happy to be used in way that embodies grace and redemption amidst tragedy. I acknowledge this is all true and wonderful, but It doesn’t change the fact that I still watch a pregnant woman walking down the street and I think to myself “that will never be me.” So even as I come to a place of acceptance, how to I reach the next plateau of contentment? I don’t really know...but I think if I got there I’d be at peace.
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