Oh the Angst of it All

Oh how I loathe this point in pregnancy. Here we are at the half way mark and I am terrified. I should be excited; we're half way to meeting our little Noah. Instead I can't get past this ache in my chest, this nervousness that seems to well up without warning. It may seem irrational, (although my counselor says it's completely understandable), but at 20 weeks now, it’s like someone drew a curtain on my life and the future just seems to loom in the distance like a big black hole. I know things are different. The doctor says things look great. I know there's no real reason to fear; and yet here I am…struggling to get past this wretched week that has tormented and abruptly ended my last two pregnancies. I knew this week would come again. I’ve dreaded it since we hit the 2nd trimester…and now here we are.
Strange how memories can bring such joy at times but also such heartbreak. I know once we get to week 21 I’ll feel a great sense of relief and mostly deeper healing from the past too. To get there though I have to make it through the 20th week, and that’s the hard part. I can’t forget the pain I felt when the doctors told me Brennan was going to have to come 20 weeks to soon, and the complete anguish when less than a year later, despite our best efforts, his little sister Evie would too. When those memories come back to me it’s hard to see anything else in that moment. Greif sometimes feels like it’s swallowing you whole.
And yet it doesn’t.
There is a line in one of my all time favorite movies that says “Regrets are a waste of time. They are the past, crippling you in the present.” Although it’s not regret I feel, I fear my focus on what has happened in the past during this week of pregnancy is crippling me of believing and trusting that this time it really will be okay. When you’ve known nothing else, it’s difficult to fathom what it’s like on the other side.
So what’s my solution then to this conundrum? Well, other than willingly putting myself into a coma for a week, I’m afraid I’m just going to have to wait this one out. That and apologize to everyone in advance for the potential, (and let’s face it, probably inevitable) emotional basket case that I will be for the next week.
The good news is, once we do hit 21 weeks, I trust the elation I will feel in finally reaching what has always eluded us will thwart the past from crippling me any longer.