I've been praying a lot lately. Frankly there's been much to pray for with sick friends, and families in tough situations, but I also continue to hound the gates of heaven with my asking for a child. Not a day goes by that I don't ask God for a child of my own, and I wonder how long will I have to wait? I pray all the time about it, and ask others to pray as well, but still I am here, with no baby in hand.
I have to admit prayer's been an interesting topic for me lately. Through all our trials and losses I have prayed...sometimes struggled to do so, but I have prayed. Sometimes it felt like it wasn't doing any good at all. Like I was firing off frustrations, asking in anguish and begging for strength in vain. Looking back now though, I realize my prayers were not in vain. I am here, I am sane, and I would actually say I'm stronger than I was 4 years ago. I have learned so much about myself; what it means to really have faith and trust, and I continue to learn things like what humility really looks like, and where hope comes from when all seems lost.
I realize I'm learning these things because I have opened myself up to do so through prayer. Not necessarily intentionally, mind you, I was mostly in survival mode. However as I have been reading a book by Jerry Sittser "When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayers," (a great read by the way), I am gaining a greater understanding about the nature of prayer.
In the chapter I'm reading right now Sittser discusses how prayer changes us. He points out "One of God's greatest answers to prayer isn't what He does for us, but what He does in us." So although God may not be answering my prayers exactly the way I am asking Him to, He is answering them none the less. Don't get me wrong, I still believe He wants us to ask Him for the things we want and need; I'm still asking for a baby every day, but I also am realizing that even if He doesn't answer my prayers exactly the way I ask, it doesn't mean I'm praying in vain. Prayer changes me, so I can then change things...for Him.
So even if I don't see the results of my prayer the way I want, I still ask, I still pray; because in the end it's not always what I'm asking for but who I am becoming that God answers.
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Beautiful post, friend! Such great perspective. I love how God is teaching you through this and I continue to pray for a baby to come your way soon and very soon. I am learning too, how spiritual and emotional growth come from pain and loss. We run from hard things, but they are the very things that we need to see a part of Jesus that we did not see before. I still ask for the easy route though, "Can I learn the lesson without the pain, please?" Alas, it does not always work that way. We were never promised that life would be easy. Thank-you for keeping the faith. You are a bright and lovely light.
ReplyDeleteI have very recently come to the realization that during my lifetime (more often than not) I was praying for things I was not meant to have. Of course, this has drastically altered how I pray and what I pray about.
ReplyDeleteI was once very bitter about (what I perceived to be) unanswered prayers. Now I choose to rest in the belief that He has a plan that is much greater than anything I could possibly imagine. Because regardless of what disappointments I may have weathered over the years, all of my needs have been met.
I am reminded of what the president said in the movie DEEP IMPACT "I believe that God -whomever you may hold that to be- hears all prayers, even if sometimes the answer is no."