Being Held

Today started out as a hard day. The shock had worn off and reality was really starting to settle in that Noah was really gone; we really had lost again, and this meant regrouping and starting from scratch...again. No too mention I also started to think what some people who aren't believers must think of me? Why is this crazy woman still choosing to turn to and trust a God who has a allowed her to lose every child she's ever had? What kind of co-dependant fool does that? I'm not sure if that's really what they're thinking, maybe they just feel sorry for me, but I realized that even when I'm maddest at God, even when I think He's completely nuts or just really out to get me for some reason, He can take it, and He doesn't love me any less for it either. I have begged and pleaded with God every time I have lost another child, to not make me do this again, I can't take it anymore. I was ranting at him just a couple days ago "Enough, I've had enough!" You'd think when one of His children says that, he'd listen right? Well I think He probably did, but he responded to me a lot different than I meant at the time. I still lost my little Noah, and the pain that I feel from that is awful. All my hope for that dream was dashed and there is still an empty room in our house where a baby should be. But for some reason, here I am still standing (and sitting and typing). I had had enough, but when Noah was gone, I had the strength to get back up again because he knew I had had enough. He knew I was tapped out my own, but some how through His grace and love through so much prayer and support, I can say I survived. The pain that should break you, (and in a lot of ways does), doesn't have to overwhelm you.
God never promised that bad and tragic things wouldn't ever happen to you when you become a follower of Him; but he does say he'll empower you and love you through whatever it is that may befall. I can tell you tonight that this is true. It doesn't always make it easier, but it's bearable. What I thought I couldn't do, what really should crush me, hasn't so far; and I don't think it will. It's awfully painful, don't get me wrong;but it's like what one of my favorite songs right now says...
"This is what it means, to be held."
In this I can trust that despite my misgivings about what He may be doing in my life right now, I"m allowed to feel all of them, and still be guided and loved through it. I can have all the doubts and questions I want, I can shake my fist at Him and tell Him I don't understand. But at the end of the day when I've been carried through, when I've managed to laugh more than I've cried, I know He's still there loving me and giving me strength to face what I know I couldn't with will of my own. This is why I can still trust a God who allows me to lose and grieve again. Because when everything falls apart, I am still standing when I really have no business doing so. My only explanation is I must be, being held.