All I have to say is Good Grief! I just can’t get away from it. It seems like pretty much everyone I know (and don’t know) just welcomed a baby or is pregnant with one. It’s in my face everywhere I go, I can’t seem to get away from it. I try to grin and bear it, I try to mange my emotions, but it’s so incredibly frustrating to see people all around me get what just doesn’t seem to come to fruition for me…a baby. Why I ask, what am I missing, what is wrong with me that can’t seem to become a parent. Why all this grief, why all this pain, this hurt, this waiting. When will it be my turn to be the mom, or am I forever to be Aunt Andrea, 2nd mommy to everyone else’s children? I ask God all the time, when will my baby get here? I pray constantly that He’ll end my torment and give me a child, that a birthparent will pick me, or miraculously make me pregnant and heal me so I can carry a child to term. Sometimes I’m emboldened and I pray for both.
And yet still here I am…facing the holidays with an empty nursery, as the baby shower invites keeping rolling in, and the blasted Take-Them a Meal notifications keep coming for yet another new mom, and/or growing family. I don’t want to be mean, I don’t want to say no; I still want to engage with my friends and community around me, but really, what’s a girl to do? Trying to be positive and keeping up hope is incredibly draining when the life you wish you had swirls around you constantly in the happy faces of family in friends, but it’s perpetually just out of your reach.
I keep thinking God will soon bring me out of this, but the fear sets in that this will somehow always be the way it is…that somehow I’m supposed to just be grateful for what I do have and stop focusing on what I want and don’t have. But I don’t think that’s what He’s asking of me. Truthfully I’m getting the feeling He’s just asking me to wait. My time will come and our parental hopes and dreams will be fulfilled, but I’ve just got to hang on till then. Easier said than done of course, and all the “new baby merriment” certainly isn’t helping matters. Never the less I persevere, because after all what’s the alternative? Being bitter, grumpy and mentally throttling all the happy new and/or expanding families? That’s not really my style. Nope, instead I guess for now I’m just going to have to suck it up…and wait. That, and maybe indulge in a little extra wine and chocolate. :)
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Andrea, I don't understand about the child but I feel about the same with my desire for a husband. Praying.
ReplyDeleteDearest Andrea,I have SUCH hope for you and Brian. I literally feel like this child is coming your way. It is just a given. I expect to hear about it any day! Sometimes it is so hard to understand God's timing (until you are on the other side of things). I think that so many of us can relate to your post above. We are all waiting on different things, aren't we? Some days it can be so agonizing. But God gives grace. Thanks for the reminder to continue to pray for your process-the waiting must be excruciating and I don't blame you a bit for feeling disappointed. I pray that you experience God's tender love and mercy... And that you hear word about your baby SOON (before Christmas)! *Hugs*
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